Life Changes Impact Your Friendships:
Three Important Choices
Sandra Miniere, M.Ed., Personal Life Coach
Life is constantly changing and that includes your friendships. Major life changes - getting married, having children, becoming a widow, moving away or becoming ill - challenge relationships. You or your friends may have complained about someone not being available because she has a boyfriend, taken a new job or has two kids.
If you are able to resolve the conflicts that arise during these life transitions, your friendships will have lasting power. When the bond between you and your friend is strong, you will each find a way to move through differences and create something new and meaningful. Your female relationships go through cycles of transformation, like anything else that is alive and dynamic.
While I no longer have the same lifestyle as my grammar and high school friends, we have a deep connection that continues to bind us to one another. Although we may have not seen each other for years, we are rekindling what we shared in our youth as we enter our golden years. Being together is fun, rejuvenating and comforting. We are seeing more, not less, of each other. We have weathered the differences and remain soul sisters.
When one of your friends begins to change in ways that stress you and the relationship, you have several options: You can accept what they are able to offer; request they alter their behavior; or avoid them by distancing yourself.
Accept: Live with the new changes in the relationship
Once you have some understanding of what your friend is going through at a particular time in her life, you may be able to accept the limiting ways in which she can be in the friendship. She may not have the time, money or interest in getting together in the old ways because of a change in her life, but she continues to want to have the connection. You may decide to maintain the friendship in the new way. People take different paths, but still remain “friends of the heart.”
Alter: Make changes that support the friendship
If there is a specific behavior that you would like your friend to change, ask them without accusing them of doing something wrong. You may want them to listen to you, see you more or less often, or do some of the things you enjoy. When two people have different agendas in a relationship, they need to listen to each other and come up with a solution that works for both. A weekly dinner may no longer work for you, yet you want to be with your friend once a month or once every three months. Be clear and ask for what you want, then listen and discover whether the other person can comply with your request.
Avoid: Create some distance because the changes don’t work for you
When you are not able to negotiate with your friend, it may be time to be with her less or not at all. Relationships take time and effort and if the other person is not willing to invest these, it may be time to let her go. It may only be for a short time or it might be for good. By letting go of a relationship that is causing you stress, you are taking care of yourself. To let the other go without blaming or judging them is in everyone’s best interest. You can take care of yourself as well as respect another’s right to be who they are. When the time is right, a dormant friendship may be rekindled.
Friendships are an integral part of a woman’s life, and they naturally change over time. If you have a deep heart and soul connection with someone, you will do what is within your power to protect the friendship. You may have friends who will be with you throughout your lifetime and those who are with you for a specific period of time. Regardless of whether they stay or leave, the women you call friends will be a part of you forever.
Sandra Miniere, M.Ed., is a Personal Life Coach who inspires people to design lives that promote authenticity, excellence, and wellbeing. She offers individual and group coaching, workshops, seminars, and teleclasses. Her website is www.co-creativecoach.com. She can be reached at Sandy@co-creativecoach.com.
